


The World-Hopping Adventures of ONSH

by Yuilhan



Series: ONSH [1]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, North and South - Elizabeth Gaskell | UK TV, Original Work, Sherlock (TV), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: #Majestic, Comic Con, Cosplay-Camping, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I love your Longbottom, Meditations on the Vindication of Mary Sues, Merlin-bless Molly Weasley's mothering instinct, ONSH is OP af, Pottersonas are a thing, Thorin's hot like a curry, We love you Neville you BAMF, You really should have known better Francis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 00:23:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12024198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuilhan/pseuds/Yuilhan
Summary: This is a collection of stories I wrote for my friends as we spoke of world-hopping adventures and potential SI's during our time at Sixth Form. This anthology is mostly unedited in all of its cringey glory, and they twisted my arm to post these finally.May the World-Hopping Adventures of ONSH bring you as much enjoyment that it did us.





	1. Forwards and Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tidd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tidd/gifts).



* * *

**Forward**

* * *

 

This is a collection of stories I wrote for my friends as we discussed world-hopping adventures and potential SI's during our time at Sixth Form. This anthology is mostly unedited in all of its cringey glory, and they twisted my arm to post these finally. Nicknames have been used to try and preserve what little dignity we have left.  
  
May the World-Hopping Adventures of ONSH bring you as much enjoyment that it did us. Also, major kudos to those who can figure out what ONSH stands for (ONSH members, if you're reading this, don't give the game away!!). Please leave your answers in the comments~!

-Yuilhan

* * *

 

 

 

* * *

**Prologue – The Break Time Quandary**

* * *

 

One day during their morning break, they were posed with a question that they weren’t altogether expecting.

It wasn’t a particularly difficult question, nor was it presented to provoke them into answering so passionately, but Francis wouldn’t know that when he first thought it up.

He asked.

They certainly answered.

Possibly with a lot more enthusiasm than he ever expected them to possess.

Francis would probably regret ever uttering the interrogative, and would loathe ever inquiring about anything in their presence ever again. But on this fated day, poor naïve Francis foolishly asked:

 

_“If you could choose anywhere to go that had never been discovered before- created from your imagination, where would you go?”_

 

“Middle Earth!” Edgo crowed back instantaneously, and Francis visibly blanched. He knew where this conversation could potentially lead, and with Edgo’s new found determination to interweave Tolkien-related topics into her daily life, he wasn’t sure if he liked the destination that her choice could lead to.

He swallowed, courage swelling inside him before he replied, “You can’t go there it's already been discovered.”

Metaphorically, Francis had just stepped on a landmine. Said landmine being Edgo’s stubborn nature.

“Yes I can. It doesn’t exist.”

“It does though,” He could feel his irritation rising.“The books, and the movies it exists in them!”

Another voice interjected; “No, it’s not a real place, therefore it doesn’t exist.” Tidd smugly took a bite out of her Special K®  bar in triumph when Francis sighed in exasperation. Edgo began mumbling across the table they were seated at to Rachel about her plans for ‘New Zealand’, when Tidd suddenly notched up her assault in proving both Edgo’s and her own point: “I want to go to the Percy Jackson Universe- that isn’t real, but it exists in the book, as does Middle Earth- _AH_ - _ah_!” She chided him when he went to overlap her speech with his own, “Can these places be found on Earth?” Francis shook his head, “Therefore they can’t exist because you can’t travel to them!”

Francis felt slightly duped at the end of Tidd’s rant, but before he knew it, the group had already moved on without him.

“I think I’d probably go to hell… punch a demon…” Matty said distractedly, and the company of teens gave him worried and questioning stares at his choice. Then, those who had not yet chosen on an undiscovered place to reside spoke.

“I’d probably go to Teen Wolf then,” Rachel admitted, and Tidd swooned at the idea.

Rachel, Edgo, Matty and Tidd sat contemplatively; quietly pondering on their chosen places. Francis, however, still felt the need to clarify his earlier interrogative, and decided it was time to rephrase his question.

“No, seriously though-” He situated himself on a nearby empty table, sprawling across the top of it and reclining against the wall. “If you had to choose somewhere that was a paradise to you where would you go?”

The answer was unanimous. _“Middle Earth!”_

Francis groaned. He should have expected that.

“But there are _orcs_ and _death_ and _**stuff**_ \- how could you call that a paradise!?” He exclaimed.

“Because I can. I just _really_ want to go and explore there,” Edgo replied calmly.

“But! But-!” Francis huffed, but he smartly chose not to comment and instead watched on as Edgo and Tidd made travel arrangements for Middle Earth. They talked rather animatedly about where they would like to go, and soon the others began to chat about what they were going to do whilst at their intended destinations.

“I think I’d like to go to a desert.” Francis announced rather loudly, gaining everyone’s attention once more, “With a little cove or a cave for me to live in- oh! And pools of water-”

“You can’t have water in a desert.” Edgo deadpanned.

“Well in _my_ desert there would be.”

“It’s a scientific fact,” Edgo insisted. “You can’t have water in a desert. There are oasis’s, but other than that there is no water in the desert unless it rains, which is highly unlikely, or there’s a designated river running through it. The politics and geography get all squiffy then.”

By now, the conversation was getting quite spirited, and Edgo requested the wisdom and knowledge of a maths teacher to prove her point; “Mrs P, there’s no water in the desert is there?”

“Unless you count oasis’s, then no.” The teacher replied in a bemused tone, for she knew that this particular group of students sometimes held the most imaginative if a little… strange, conversations.

“But I know for certain that there’s this place in the desert that has all of these dunes and then when it rains the gaps fill with water-”

“That isn’t a desert though, Francis,” The teacher sighed, and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Because it hardly rains in the desert.”

Tidd helpfully added that there would be no logical explanation for his chosen ‘paradise’ because it was scientifically improbable. By then the bell for next lesson sounded, and resolved their little break-time discussion. Matty had previously escaped, and Francis began to walk away, when Edgo had a flash of inspiration; her exclamation of _‘So you want to live on a beach then Francis?!’_ had him motoring to the Science Department of the school and the three girls in giggles at the notion.

“Imagine living on a beach”, Tidd said half-heartedly, once the laughter subsided. “The sand would get everywhere.”

The three friends shared a look at the implied meaning, and promptly fell into a giggling fit again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a conversation between Jade and Edgo about Cosplay-camping. Sorry for Edgo's potty-mouth.

 

* * *

**That day when the impossible happened… There and back again: The Students’ tales**

* * *

 

 

It had all been a rather unexpected experience.

They had suggested during one hyper lunchtime, when charged up on sugar and celebrating the relief of having no more exams to revise for and worry about, that they had to do one last crazy thing together- just the four of them, before they split off to different sections of the country to attend University.

One extreme Tolkien nerd and three enraptured victims of _The Hobbit_ and _Lord of the Rings_ trilogies planned their last adventure together, bought a tent, plotted the route, gathered the supplies, and made sure that the areas in rural England not only corresponded to the theme and spirit of quests within Middle Earth, but that said places also saved them from getting shot at by farmers of who’s land they had trespassed upon in an attempt to ‘make camp’.

Edgo had driven them there, having passed her test recently and forked out her savings- she had tried not to wince at the price- for her car insurance. Her tired little car struggled up some of the steeper hills and through the winding country lanes, making her passengers wiggle anxiously in their seats with worry, especially when the car seemed to be heading backwards rather than forwards on more than one occasion. 

They had just eaten supper after pitching the second-hand eight man tent they had purchased for a bargain off of Ebay, and dismantled the portable camping stove, carefully making sure to unhitch the gas canisters and securing them for the night away from anything that could disrupt them _and_ potentially ignite them. Then they settled in for the night- tucking themselves into their sleeping bags after zipping up the ten flaps.

They would not expect what the morning would bring.

 

* * *

 

“Can you hear voices?” Mumbled Rachel, still half asleep.

“Oh, I’m not the only one hearing that then?” Edgo whispered with a hitch, as heavy footsteps ruffled close to the panel of the tent she slept beside.

“Why? Do you usually hear voices?” Jade stared sceptically at her friend through sleepy narrowed eyes.

“It could have been some animals or something…” Rachel muttered in Edgo's defense, and Jadesnorted.

By now Tiddles and Jade had full woken, slipping the zips of their sleeping bags down and crawling out of the warmth to sit upon them like Edgo and Rachel had done.

“Whats’up?” Tidd yawned, and was promptly ‘ _shhed’_ by Edgo, who was frantically gesturing to the tent panel behind her. The morning light had created a deep silhouette of whatever was outside the tent, and they gulped as it prowled towards them.

“That is not an animal…” Rachel whispered.

“Nope,” Jade agreed, as the figure crept even closer; the shadow cast on the side of tent becoming deeper and darker, huge and intimidating.

“Are you sure we didn’t just pitch up in a field full of cows?” Tidd asked far too loudly.

Metal pierced the reinforced fabric of the tent, the blade of a sword hovering just above Edgo’s shoulder, marginally skimming her ear.

The quartet of students didn’t think.

They _screamed_.

 

* * *

 

“Why is it us?” Edgo moaned melodramatically, “Why _the fuck_ is it _always_ us?!”

They had scrambled out of the tent grabbing what they could to defend themselves only to be confronted by a troupe of small bearded men, a tiny child with extremely disproportionate feet, and someone impersonating Gandalf the Grey.  Unfortunately, the items they had managed to acquire had no use against a barrage of weapons and the glaringly obvious ratio of students to strangers. They were outnumbered, and each respectively held something spectacularly useless.

“And why is it that _I_ got the duct tape?!” Edgo continued. “Tidd got the chuffing torch, Rachel got the Swiss Army Knife and _\- Jade how are you lifting that gas canister?!_ ”

One of the small bearded men approached, and the girls instantly huddled together at the sight of this strange person and his _floppy-yet-borderline-comical_ hat encasing the most part of his head.

“We ‘don mean any harm lassies,” He said, lifting his hands in what they interpreted as a peaceful gesture, “We were ‘jus passin’ through ‘an saw somethin’ strange is all…”

The girls tactfully remained silent.

 _Small-bearded-man-with-the-comical-hat_ sighed; “Can ‘ye jus’ not tell us what ‘yer doin’ out here?”

Tidd snorted, but Edgo answered diplomatically; “We were enjoying one last trip together.”

He and his companions brows lifted, incredulous expressions clouding their faces, “Is tha' so?”

“ _Yes_.”

They had reached an impasse, and both parties lowered the ‘weapons’ they brandished.

Another small bearded man who looked vaguely like Santa Claus, with an elegant grey beard that forked outwards part way through the middle, stepped forward this time and patted the hatted man’s shoulder, “What exactly are you lassies out here for?”

Edgo grabbed at her roll of duct tape, her fingernails scrabbling to find the end of the tape and quickly she lifted a plentiful section about the width of her head and held it aloft threateningly, “We’re camping! Now tell us what you’re doing out here or _I will use this!”_

A tall bald-headed male from their group scoffed, “Aye then? What’re ‘ye goin’ ‘ta do with ‘tha?”

“It’ll rip your beard off for one!” She growled in reply.

The troupe of small bearded men each visibly shuddered, a few taking precautionary measures such as shuffling out of her vicinity and clutching at their plentiful facial hair in horror.

“Now we don’t mean any harm lassie, ‘ye can put that down, ye’hear,” _Santa-Claus-forked-beard_ stressed slowly, and the girls relaxed their defensive stances. “We were worried about that contraption you were inside, as it is foreign to us, and now for four lassies such as ‘yerselves to be out and about in such dangerous country…”

Tidd murmured under her breath about _‘How Yorkshire could be_ **so so** _dangerous’_ at times, and Rachel giggled lowly.

“Brave of you, lassies- if I do say so myself. What are ye names, if I may ask”

“Edgo-“

“Jade-“

“Tidd-“

“-and Rachel

“Nice to meet you all,” Edgo said, taking a step forwards, “And you are…?”

“I am Balin-“

“Dwalin-”

“Fili-”

“Kili-”

“Gloin-”

“…”

Gloin shook the man next to him; “Speak up you old bat!” He shouted in his neighbours ear.

“Oin!”

“Dori-“

“Nori-“

“Ori-“

“Bifur-”

“Bofur-“

“Bombur-”

“-and Thorin”

“At your service” they cheered, and respectively gave the quartet of students a bow.

The small, big-footed child stepped forwards, “I am Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins” he stated with a smile.

“And I am Gandalf. Gandalf the Grey.”

The girls shared a curious look, brows furrowed and lips curling down at the absurdity of it all. Then they began to laugh.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’ve never seen such convincing costumes before,” Tidd said after wiping her eyes clean of mirthful tears. “It’s like you’re the real actors and everything!”

“What do you mean, ‘actors’?” The one who had announced himself to be ‘Thorin’ demanded. “We are no actors!”

“He’s _so_ into his role” Jade whispered to Rachel. “You don’t think he is actually Richard Armitage and we’re being pranked, do you?”

“That isn’t possible, it _can’t_ be,” Rachel replied. “Stuff like that doesn’t happen to us.”

Edgo, who was hastily observing their surroundings, let out a low whine, “Ti- _iiid?_ Do you remember what this place looked like last night?”

“Yeah?” Her friend answered, ignoring the raving rant of an indignant ‘Thorin Oakenshield’ in the process.

“It didn’t look like this, did it?”

“…No…?”

“My car isn’t here either.”

“ _Shit_.”

 

* * *

 

“I believe I could be of assistance,” Gandalf announced. “For I am guessing you are not from around here?”

“Nope” Tidd responded, popping the ‘p’.

“Try _‘From England’_ ” said Rachel.

“From a place with indoor plumbing and a good Wi-Fi connection,” continued Jade.

“Or _‘From another world where you all don’t exist’_ ”

Gandalf sighed, “It’s as I thought.”

He addressed the company; “They are not of our world,” and the group murmured in approval, much to the girls incredulous exultations of surprise and dismay.

“Can we trust that this is happening and that you’re not just a _fecking nut-nut?_ ” Edgo inquired of Gandalf.

“Indeed” he returned.

“Oh, okay then.”

“Does that mean I can go and get dressed now?” asked Rachel.

“What do you mean?” The one who named himself ‘Kili’ wondered aloud.

“It means we’re all in our pyjamas,” She said quietly.

“Pyjamas?” He mimicked.

Edgo groaned in annoyance, “ _’Sleepwear’_ or whatever you guys call it. _P_ _lease_ can I get changed I’m freezing my tits off here!”

Without further ado, the girls scrambled back into the tent, leaving an ensemble of embarrassed ‘Dwarrows’ in their wake.

“I like _that_ one!” Nori grinned.

 

* * *

 

“We have a situation,” Jade said as they were getting changed. “Did you bring any other clothes with you than your jammies and your cosplay stuff?”

They all shared a frantic moment of panic.

“We’ll just have to go with it- just don’t wear your prosthetics, yeah?” Edgo told them.

“I’ve got to patch the bloody tent up now…” She grumbled, after sliding into her ‘Thorin’ inspired costume. “God this is mortifying.”

“Well it’s not as if we could have predicted this, is it?” Tidd stated, fiddling with the sleeves of her jacket that emulated Kili’s from the movies.

Jade snickered as she smoothed down the front of her Tauriel inspired outfit with the back of her hands, “You could say that it was an ‘ _Unexpected Journey’_ ”

Rachel seemed pensive; “Like I said before to Jade, this kinda stuff doesn’t happen to us. Are you sure we’re not being pranked or something?”

“Gandalf gave me his word, so I suppose that counts for something. Now if you’ll excuse me?” Edgo waved the role of tape at them, before leaving the tent to fix the rip.

 

* * *

 

Once the rip had been patched, and a disgruntled Fili had been lectured not to attack their poor little tent ever again by Edgo, the girls quickly packed away their belongings.

“So, are we following you now?” Jade asked Bilbo when the group of Dwarrows suggested they were ready to move.

“I guess so, Miss Jade. Gandalf seems to think that another may be able to help with your situation better than he.”

“Like Lord Elrond?”

“I… I-I don’t know, Miss Jade, but I hope so. I would terribly like to see the elves…” He replied with a dreamy inflection in his voice.

“I think you’ll visit them sooner or later,” Jade smiled, and winked at the hobbit before joining Edgo, who was trying not to look down her nose at Thorin- of whom she towered over by four or so inches- while they conversed the finer details of joining both parties with Gandalf.

 

* * *

 

“Think of it this way, Rachel and I both share the same first name -“ Tidd began in reproach to Fili and Kili’s constant badgering whilst the company marched on ahead.

“And a birthday-” Rachel replied.

“-Plus interests-”

“So think of us like you two.” They gestured to Fili and Kili, who were trying their best not to become lost within their conversation, “You two are exceptionally close because you are brothers right?”

They nodded.

“You share a _rhyme scheme_ for crying out loud” Tidd uttered sarcastically. 

The brothers didn’t understand.

“We should have probably been siblings, because we just gel so well together, finish each other’s sentences, know what each other is thinking, you know, that kind of stuff, ” said Rachel. “So we are sisters, if not by blood.”

The brothers nodded.

“We’ve got the group family dynamics down too,” Tidd nodded. “Jade is our Bilbo and Edgo is our Thorin.”

A certain Thorin Oakenshield happened to overhear this, and sneered at the aforementioned girl who was depicted as his parallel, and scoffed. She stopped walking to look upon her friends kindly, checking if they were behaving and still in one piece like he did his nephews frequently, before turning back to Dwalin and Nori and resuming their conversation.

* * *

 

Edgo was engaged in a particularly controversial tête-à-tête about the properties of duct tape with Dwalin and Nori; stating that it worked well as a gag, strong binding, a waxing agent, and much more.

“Aye, ‘ye mentioned before tha' that itty bitty thing would rip me beard off,” Dwalin cajoled. Nori’s eyes flickered between the balding dwarf and the girl brandishing the roll of tape inquisitively, and smirked when Edgo offered to try it out on Dwalin.

“Not on my beard lass, no. But we can see if it’ll do any damage on me arm hair!” The dwarf foolishly stretched out his arm.

Edgo turned to Nori; “If I do this and he goes ape-shit, promise me you’ll try and restrain him for ten seconds or something while I run away- _screaming_?”

“I’ll do me best lass, thief’s honour.”

“What honour?” Dori chided as he strolled past them to catch up to Balin.

Edgo begrudgingly lifted the tape from the roll until she had a lengthy strip, and quickly bit through the selected section with her teeth to loosen it away.

“Last chance to back down?” she asked Dwalin.

“I never back down from a challenge, lass.”

* * *

A loud roar of severe excruciating agony rumbled through the surrounding area, causing birds to abandon their nests in a hurried flutter.

Meanwhile, Edgo was currently sprinting for her life.


	3. Harry Potter and the Three Interlopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry Potter SI's. 'Nough said. I also had no idea Pottersonas were a thing!!  
> Everyone has to do a #Majestic moment at least once in their life.

* * *

**Harry Potter and the Three Interlopers**

* * *

 

 

“This is starting to take the mickey now…” Edgo growled as she observed the bustling street around her.

Jade gave her an assessing look; “What, and being chased by ‘ol Smaugy around Lake Town wasn’t bad enough, you’re complaining _now_ of all times? I have no idea where we are!”

They stood for a minute, watching people oddly dressed in robes and antique clothes milling about on the long stretching street. Edgo paid particular attention to one motherly figure in the crowd. She was dressed modestly, unlike some of the others the two girls had seen- one woman was wearing a hat concocted of putrid, moth-eaten green material, with what looked to be a dead or stuffed bird placed just so across the brim. The woman Edgo had spotted, however, dressed in her somewhat plain and shabby robes, trundled past the duo with a troupe of red-headed children following closely behind.

“Jade,” Edgo tugged on her friend’s sleeve, and pointed in what she thought was an inconspicuous manner.

“Oh, sacred blue…” her friend mumbled when she caught sight of them, “You don’t think?”

Edgo merely nodded.

“Oh hell,” Jade whispered.

“I think we might be in Diagon Alley,” Edgo confirmed. They watched the now identified Weasley family wandering through the crowds, stopping at one shop in particular. “Jade, can you read that sign? I haven’t got my glasses with me- I either dropped them or Smaug sat on them.”

“You sure it wasn’t Bombur?” Edgo laughed shakily in response. “It says… Ollivander’s. _The_ Ollivander’s?!”

The two shared a glance, before Edgo cried; “Well then, follow that Weasley trail!”

The two set off, trying not to lose each other in the hustle and bustle.

 

* * *

 

 

Meanwhile, in another part of the infamous Diagon Alley, another young woman of Jade and Edgo’s age was trying to discern her surroundings. Looking up at the towering structure before her, something clicked in her mind that she was stood before Gringotts; the Wizarding bank run by Goblins.

But that was impossible right? Because she was just running for her life away from a dragon. The soot from dragon fire was still clinging to her Fili cosplay clothes.

Turning away from the bank, she meandered down the street. Ignoring the curious glances from whom she assumed were witches and wizards, she rubbed at her soot smeared face; the smell was really beginning to irritate her.  She also had no clue as to where her friends were: the last she had seen of them was when Jade and Edgo had begun taunting Smaug about ‘#Majestic Velvet’, but her view of them had been blocked by falling burning debris, which she believed had once been a house before the fire drake himself had demolished the building in favour of incinerating her friends.

Now she was alone; separated from two of the closest people she knew, and now had no idea whether they had survived the fiery wrath of Smaug.

Trapped within her horrific reverie, she didn’t notice where she was wandering to- and bumped straight into one woman, her arms laden with shopping.

The woman let out a startled yelp and dropped her boxes, which knocked Rachel out of her stupor. On realising whom she had bumped into, the girl sniffled, and promptly burst into a flood of tears.

 

* * *

**_Only a few moments earlier..._   
**

* * *

 

Edgo and Jade had been waiting outside of Ollivander’s for some time, lying in wait for the Weasley family to emerge from the shop.

“What time period do you think we’re in? I mean which book or film?” Jade asked.

Edgo risked a glance over her shoulder through the shop’s window; “I’m not entirely sure, to be honest. Looking at them though, I’d say pre-canon actually. Ginny and Ron are way too small for this to be their first term at Hogwarts, and then there was that other bloke with them. That wasn’t Bill, so I’m presuming that’s Charlie-”

“He was the one that went to work with dragons, right?”

They both grimaced at the thought of dragons. It had been a close call with Smaug…

“Yup, but I’m not sure how many years ahead of canon we are-” There was a crashing from inside the shop, and then an explosion of glass. The two hit the floor rather quickly, as it was the window they had been stood by that had imploded. Scrambling to their knees, the two peered through the now glass-less window panes, only to witness the shocked faces of most of the Weasley family and Old Olliander staring back at them- with the exception of Fred and George, of course, who grinned cheekily whilst clutching wands that apparently did not fit their personalities.

One of the twins actually had the nerve to wave, which made Edgo scowl.

“So, you were saying?” Jade prompted as Edgo helped her to her feet and brushed stray shards of glass from her shoulders and hair.

“From that little episode, I’d say we were about two years away from canon.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, the twins were two years above the golden trio. Which makes this Percy’s third year and Charlie’s sixth year.”

“Did you seriously just work that out in your head?” Jade asked, stupefied.

“Um… I’ve kind of got it memorised for some reason.” Jade shook her head at her friend’s retention of useless facts. Only, they weren’t so useless this time around.  

There was movement in the entrance to Ollivander’s, and the duo watched as the Weasley family trouped out and dispersed onto the street, with Molly Weasley giving the two a tired and apologetic smile, that came across as more of a wince really, and scuttled off to her next destination; the family following behind like a trail of ducklings.

“Should we follow them?” Edgo asked Jade.

“Lets.”

So they did, and were surprised about what happened next:

_“Rachel?!”_

 

* * *

 

 

She couldn’t believe it, they were alive!

After making Mrs Weasley drop her packages, and dissolving into tears, the matronly woman in question wrapped Rachel in a neck crunching hug, gently inquiring as to whether she was okay, or if she had anyone around who she knew and who could help her.

Then came the call of _“Rachel?!”,_ and upon seeing them, she flew to her friends.

The three girls hugged, excitedly babbling over one another until an awkward cough sounded from behind Jade. The trio separated to find the collection of Weasley’s watching them in confusion.

Edgo stepped forward and shook Mrs Weasley’s hand; “Thank you for helping us find her!” she said brightly with a smile. The juxtaposition of her sooty face with her startling white teeth was stark and unnervingly contrasted.

Molly Weasley however, was not one to be dissuaded and smiled back in return: “If it’s alright for me to ask, what happened to you three dears?”

Edgo looked round at her two friends and winced; “We had a bit of a run in with an absolute terrifying-“

“Dragon!” Jade intercepted.

“-Claws like meat hooks he had! The fire though! That fire!-“

“Flash of light, searing pain, and – _poof!_ \- you’re nothing more than a pile of ash!” Jade completed while Rachel laughed at the pair. The Weasley’s were less than convinced however.

Charles Weasley in particular, did not seem so swayed by their tale; “What type of dragon was it?” he asked Jade.

“Ah…” Jade seemed slightly stumped by this, knowing that J.K.Rowling had in fact created different species of dragon in literary warding world, that the drake-obsessed Weasley child would obviously be able to identify incorrect did she get it wrong.

Luckily, Edgo came to her aid; “I’m not entirely sure. All we know is that Smaug was a fire drake from the North, which came to settle in the East. He had destroyed the ancestral home of the dawrves that lived there within a mountain, and had stolen their wealth for his own treasure horde.” 

The three girls looked solemnly at their feet for a moment.

“I can’t exactly explain this to you all here”, Edgo continued, “We’re all rather shaky from escaping still, and that we’re alive-”

Rachel gasped, “What about Tidd? Do you think she got out in time?”

“Wouldn’t we have found her by now?” Jade replied.

“What if she didn’t get out though?” countered Edgo, “We found Rachel easily enough thanks to Mrs Weasley, and we’re making enough of a scene here for her to notice something odd.” She gestured to some of the browsing witches and wizards who were not so inconspicuously sending wary glances their way.

“Who is Tidd?” Mrs Weasley questioned.

“A friend of ours who was also on the quest to reclaim Erebor.”

Edgo rounded on Jade and Rachel, “I didn’t see her when Smaug was ransacking Lake Town, so I presume she went with Thorin… Thorin-“ a few tears trickled out of her eyes, “Thorin and the uh, others. The chances are that she may remain there for the battle before coming home.”

“Wait! Didn’t she say that she wasn’t going to our Harry- _uh_ , um, marathon?” Rachel inquired, hastily recovering from the slip in her speech.

“She did!” confirmed Jade.

Edgo groaned, slapping her forehead. “I bet she’s already at home then. That she’s had a shower and is now eating Nutella out of the jar with a spoon.”

  

* * *

 

 

As if by coincidence, after showering and placing her smoky cosplay costume in the wash, Tidd did find an unopened jar of Nutella in her kitchen cupboards. After gathering a spoon from a kitchen drawer, she returned to her bedroom in order to catch up on any programs she may have missed whilst she had been gallivanting round Middle Earth. 

 

* * *

 

 

“So what are you three going to do now then?” Mrs Weasley questioned them. The three girls had followed the family round Diagon Alley for the time being.

“Not sure”, said Jade.

Molly Weasley was a family woman through and through, and delegated the girls into grabbing hold of one of her children, and following them home to the Burrow via the Floo network. _Merlin-bless Molly Weasley's mothering instinct..._ The trio looked at each other in relief. 

“Thank you for this,” Edgo said, as she dropped Charlie’s hand and brushed Floo powder from her shoulders. There were two consecutive ‘whoosh’ing noises, as Fred and Rachel, and Jade and George emerged from the fire place.

“It was no problem, dear! The more the merrier right?” Replied Mrs Weasley, bustling off into the kitchen and leaving Ginny and Ron to dispense the various parcels she had been holding, to each family member or the part of the house it belonged to.

“How about telling us your story then?” Percy said, still wary of the trio despite his family’s relaxed behaviour around them.

The girls shared a glance.

“Well,” Jade began, “It all started when we went camping…”

 “… and woke up in a place we did not know.” Rachel continued.

Between the three of them, they depicted the last three months of travelling alongside Thorin Oakenshield’s Company, Gandalf the Grey and Bilbo Baggins.

“Do you remember that party in the Master’s mansion? The one we had in celebration of Bilbo getting us out of Thranduil’s dungeons? ” Jade inquired.

“-You call that a mansion?” Rachel said, raising her eyebrow and smirking.

“Well it was better than the rest of the hovels the people of Lake Town lived in! As I was saying, I was just remembering how we managed to convince Edgo to drink something alcoholic for once, but Bofur spiked the drink, and she got up on the table to sing…” The Weasley children perked up at this, watching how Edgo flushed.

“Yeah, how did it go again Edgo?” Asked Rachel.

The three girls sucked in a breath before belting out in unison: _“Bilbo, Bilbo! Bilbo Baggins! Only three feet tall, Bilbo, Bilbo! Bilbo Baggins! The bravest little hobbit of them all!”,_ and melting into a laughing fit.

“Only, she was that totalled it came out as _‘Beeeel bow!’_ and she fell off the table and onto Thorin!” Jade said, wiping away her tears of mirth. "He looked like he was about to explode, he was so angry!"

At the mention of his name, Edgo stiffened.

“What was your deal with him anyway-“ One of the twins queried.

“Yeah, who was this bloke?” Was that Fred, or was it George who said that?

“Did you have an _ickle_ _cwush_ on him?” the twins said in sync.

Swallowing harshly, Edgo stood up from one of the comfortable couches the Burrow had to offer, and walked over to stare longingly through one of the crooked windows of patched stained glass.

“What is she doing?” Asked Percy, who looked down distastefully at the twins.

“Oh my god Rachel, she’s…”

“What?” Rachel replied, observing as Edgo stood looking into the distance, to a lonely mountain and a Dwarf Lord who were, quite literally, worlds away.

 _"She’s having a #Majestic moment!”_ Jade squealed.

“That still doesn’t answer my question,” Percy said.

Edgo turned around sharply, the soot from Smaug’s fire, and the light from the window being blocked by her body, cast a dangerous shadow over her eyes: “Thorin Oakenshield was a great Dwarf destined to die. And you-“ she looked respectively at Percy, Fred and George, “-know nothing of the world.” She then sauntered off to find Molly, who was crashing about in the kitchen.

“Bloody hell,” whimpered Ron.

Ginny sighed dreamily.

“Did they fall in love?” She asked Rachel and Jade.

“Uh...? We don't think so?” Said Jade looking at Rachel conspiratorially. Relationships with fictional characters was ill-advised in general, but they decided to ham-up the non-existent tale of romance for Ginny's enjoyment. Perhaps it would wean her away from her Harry Potter obsession?

“They were both so bloody stubborn, and we knew what was to pass in the future concerning Thorin’s quest. Edgo didn’t want to get attached most probably, because she knew that Thorin had to die to keep the fate of that world in balance.”

“Gandalf had advised us against changing anything, because of how our presence there had already ripped apart the fate of Middle Earth. Even if she did have feelings, she wouldn’t be able to act upon them.” Percy and Charlie looked at them sceptically after all their talk of prophecies and fate. Divination wasn't a precise art, and it was best not to be entangled in fate so deeply unless you had some semblance of understanding it. Most likely, the pair had created one huge lie of a story just for their little sister. 

“That’s so _romantic_ ”, Ginny swooned with eyes wide as her brothers looked on in concern.

“You, are one twisted child,” Charlie mumbled under his breath.

   

* * *

 

 

After locating and rescuing her from the front garden-

_(“Did that gnome just swear at me?”_

_“Who cares if it did, just come away before it bites me again!”_

_"Give me some duct tape- we’ll see who’s swearing **then**!!”_

_"Probably you, seeing how well duct tape ended last time…”)_

-Rachel and Jade brought Edgo to Burrow’s kitchen, and seated her at the table beside Ginny.

“Uh… guys, why is she staring at me?”

They ignored her.

A whooshing noise was heard from the fireplace, and in waltzed Arthur Weasley, holding a set of bicycle peddles.

“Hello Mollywobb- _Oh_ , hello?” He said to the three new faces at the dining table.

They mumbled back their ‘hello’s’, and Arthur questioned his wife further about their guests.

“-found them wandering round Diagon Alley, and I couldn’t just leave them there Arthur. They’d fought with a dragon and well-“

“Fought a dragon eh? Are they magical?”

Molly snapped her fingers in realisation, “That’s one thing I didn’t do actually… Girls! Girls, do you have... _magic_?”

“Uh…” They shared a glance.

Edgo was the one to bravely answer, knowing the onslaught of questions that were to come: “Um, we are, what the wizarding community would call ‘muggles’, except that we’ve already been exposed to magical creatures and so forth… uh…”

Arthur Weasley’s head moved so quickly to face them, they feared he may have given himself whiplash. _“You’re muggles?!”_

 


	4. Harry Potter and the Three Observers (With Bonus: "Meditations on the Vindication of Mary Sues" - By Edgo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Try as I might, we're still OP.

* * *

**Harry Potter and the Three Observers**

* * *

 

 

The first sign of magic did not come with a bang. It arrived with the apotheosis of all sneezes.

Having destroyed nearly every vase in the burrow thanks to her apoplectic expulsion of the contents of her nose, Edgo was the first to fully discover having magic.

Soon followed Jade, the Weasley’s still fretting over whether Edgo’s sneezing fits would shatter more fragile or precious belongings, hardly batted an eye when at the standardized dinner time her hair changed from its usual dark brown to a mercurial silver-blond. Jade shrugged when asked about it, and simply said “Game of Thrones is on my mind”. Her subliminal use of accidental magic swapping her hair’s natural colour to the same of her favourite characters.

Rachel was the last to display any signs of accidental magic.

“Perhaps it’s just taking a while?” Edgo suggested with a small smile, “After all, it takes you forever to walk somewhere…”

Rachel didn’t seem to find it so funny, and simply raised an eyebrow.

Edgo winced.

“Are you sure you haven’t done anything, dear? Anything at all?” asked Mrs Weasley.

“Not that I know of, although now you mention it, I’ve been turning the lights on and off in our room by saying ‘lumos’ and ‘nox’…”

Mrs Weasley gaped at her: “How long have you been doing this for?!”

“Oh, about a month or so now, why?”

“You shouldn’t be able to do that!”

“I thought that it wasn’t magic though, like, those things you can get that respond to you clapping your hands in order to turn the lights off?”

Mrs Weasley, frowning, suddenly charged outside to the garage, seeking her husband.

“Arthur! We have to do something about the girls, all of them have magic! Can Dumbledore-“

“Mollywobbles, _please_. I wrote to old Albus a while back about them, and he agreed that if all three showed signs of magical powers they would be welcome to refine their skills at Hogwarts- their ages aside,” Arthur Weasley tried to placate his frantic wife.

“But-“

“He said that they would each be put under the guidance of one of the professors there to specialise their skills too.”

“ _But what about the-“_

 _“-Money for their school supplies?_ Oh, Albus said he would sort that too. It seems as though Hogwarts sets aside some funds just in case circumstances such as these arise.”

“ _But-“_

“ _Shh_ , Mollywobbles, everything is under control.”

  

* * *

 

So it came to pass that the girls would attend Hogwarts. Their first meeting with the infamous headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, would lead to very strange changes to the canon J.K.Rowling had initially written.

“Do you think we’ll be put into the houses we got in that quiz?” Jade said.

“It’d be nice to see whether it was actually right,” answered Edgo.

“Hm, but don’t you think it would be better we weren’t separated?” Rachel challenged; some of the answers the quiz had provided were a little… _perverse_ , so to speak. You could;nt fault her for being apprehensive. The three girls were currently waiting outside Dumbledore’s office, expecting a summons to come in very soon-

“Enter.” A muffled voizce sounded past the heavy old door. “Ah, welcome to Hogwarts!” said the headmaster of the school himself, standing up from behind his desk, a twinkle in his eye and his arms spread open wide in greeting as the trio gingerly wandered into his office.

“Now, let us see… Jade Simpson, Rachel Rachelowan, and Edgo Edge, if I am correct?” the girls nodded, “Two of you are soon to be nineteen, the other only just turned eighteen?” they nodded again, “Well, it’s never too late to learn magic- that is precisely why you’re here! Step up, step up closer, and we’ll see to sorting you into a house.”

The hat was unceremoniously placed onto Rachel’s head: _“Hmm… let’s see… Loyal to your friends… cripplingly shy- perfect for a Hufflepuff, but alas, it will have to be-_ **Hufflepuff!** ”

The three girls all frowned at this, as they were expecting Rachel to be sorted into Hufflepuff.

Next up was Jade: _“Oh! Interesting! You were sorted into Gryffindor the first time round, but instead chose Slytherin to be your home- well this time we better make it-_ **Slytherin!** ”

Finally it was Edgo’s turn, and again the hat was unceremoniously shoved onto her head, just like it had been with the two girls before her- a little too much force was behind the motion, so the hat nearly devoured most of her head. _“This one seems difficult… the intelligence for Ravenclaw, cunning like a Slytherin-”_ (Here, Edgo gulped), _“-but loyal like a Hufflepuff. However, you seem brave- brave enough to be a leader when no one else will take the first step… well then! It will have to be-_ **Ravenclaw!** ”

Now the trio were thoroughly confused by the sorting, but if Dumbledore noticed their suspicious glances between one another, he said nothing: "You must understand now, that although you haven’t had a compulsory education here, your level of magical prowess will be akin to that of any accomplished witch or wizard’s. That means that you’ll have a mentor of sorts within the school to help you along with controlling your magic. Your status as apprentices means you have free reign over the castle, but you will be expected to maintain a level of professionalism in front of the students. There will also be a curfew in effect, should you not be assisting on nightly patrols of the grounds.”

The trio of teens shuffled anxiously, feeling perturbed as to which professor would be assigned as their mentor.

“Now, Jade you will be studying under Professor McGonagall and hopefully learning the art of transfiguration. Edgo you’ll be helping Hagrid outside with the care of Magical creatures, and sometimes assisting Professor Sprout in the greenhouses- just in case you have another bout of magical-sneezes, we don’t want any damage inside the castle now, do we?” Dumbledore chuckled here, but Edgo grimaced. Both Edgo and Jade were happy with where and to whom they had been assigned, however…  “And finally, Rachel. You will be with Professor Snape in the dungeons. We thought you quite suited to working with potions after Molly Weasley told us of your skill in cooking. Hopefully you'll find polyjuice and draught of the living death not so different to cake batter?”

 

* * *

 

 

**“Meditations on the Vindication of Mary Sues”**

**By Edgo**

 

“You do know how this is going to sound if you write it all down, don’t you?” Jade looked to Edgo worriedly as the latter tapped away at her laptop’s keyboard, writing about ONSH’s latest escapade.

“I know, I _know_ , we’re too OP and everyone loves us,” She retorted with a roll of her eyes.

Jade stared at the laptop screen, aghast. “You’ve written us like Mary Sues.”

“Hey, when we’re dreaming up these scenarios we’re entitled to be as Mary Sue-ish as we want. It’s not as if this is ever going to be published, right? So who cared if we fall into the Potterverse and suddenly discover we have magic and then we get apprenticeships because we’re too bloody old for Hogwarts and we all have flawless Animagus forms? Hmmm? _Hmmmmmm?”_

“You’ve…” Jade laughed disbelievingly. “You’ve actually thought of all this beforehand, haven’t you?”

“ _Yes Jade,_ ” Edgo snipped. “And try as I might, they’re- _we’re_ not any less Mary Sue-ish than when I started editing this thing.”

Jade nodded sagely, knowing that her friend was reaching the end of her tether again. “Good thing it’s not going to ever be on the internet then, where everyone can read our over-powered self insert fantasies.”

  

* * *

 

Time passed rather quickly under the tutorage of their professors. Jade became very adept at Transfiguration, Minerva McGonagall- after developing a soft spot for her student and also her two friends, took them decidedly under her wing. Through extra sessions the trio were taught the Animagus transformation: as registered Animagi, they could now wander about the castle in their animal forms- something that Edgo and Jade quite enjoyed. The Hogwarts students seemed quite alarmed in that year as they watched a large tiger- _Jade-_ wander through the ancient halls. Edgo however, in her form as an overly fluffy cat, had curled up on the Gryffindor common room’s sofa, only to be nearly sat on by Charlie Weasley.

The sixth year received an unimpressed glance from the Animagi, and when he dared to pick her up she let loose a large sneeze directly into his face, resulting in a small explosion nearby.

Animagi-Edgo was quickly deposited to the ground, until an unsuspecting Percy Weasley entered the common room to finish his homework essays. She then took great delight in sitting on his pieces of parchment, moving away when he swatted at her, and returning to flop down across the drying ink where he’d just written.

Rachel found her form as a Spaniel-type hound liberating. She had free will to tear through the halls if she so wished, milling through the throngs of students in the great hall and stopping for the occasional head pat. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced before.

As was her apprenticeship under the infamous Professor Snape:

_(“Have you added the lace wing flies yet?”_

_“Yes sir-“_

_“Did you make sure to-“_

_"Yes”_

_“Yes, **sir.** ”_

_"There’s no need to call me sir, Professor. Rachel will suffice.”)_

Needless to say, the trio were certainly making a name for themselves at Hogwarts. Possibly not for the better… after two years in which they had deicded not to meddle with both pre-canon and canon plot, they had watched Charlie graduate and move onto working with dragons in Romania-

_(“I still think you’re mad for doing this, you could be burnt alive-“_

_“Honestly you’re starting to sound like mother- and it can’t be any worse than your pyrotechnic prone animagus form, can it?”)_

-Percy had become a prefect, which earned him a lot of flak from the twins. Overall, the two years the girls had spent at Hogwarts so far were fast paced, but soporific. They had already planned what were to happen when the Boy-who-lived arrived; of course, they could not change the events that would come to pass, just as Gandalf had warned them _oh-so_ long ago, but they could observe and offer a helping hand.

That last fact didn’t exactly endear itself to the trio, and they often mulled over whether significant deaths could be stopped. The answer, as they had quite often discovered, was no. The string of fate that held J.K. Rowling’s universe together would split, fray and quickly unravel- causing a detrimental effect to the future the girls were certain in knowing would happen. If they were to meddle, there was always the possibility that the final battle would end much differently, and Voldemort would reign supreme.

They also pondered on how long their time at Hogwarts would last, a topic that left them confused; it could be between Harry’s first year or at the final battle.

Either way, the girls needed to be prepared.

On the evening of the Golden trio’s sorting, the girls found themselves dressed up to the nines (courtesy of Minnie, as they liked to call their head of house affectionately…) and wedged between three members of the Weasley family, Lee Jordan and a few other younger Gryffindor’s they had made acquaintances with over the years.

The girls looked on affectionately as Hermione, Ron and Harry were placed into Gryffindor, and even spared a smile for young Draco Malfoy as he was sorted without hesitation into Slytherin.

Rachel tried not to feel uncomfortable when Neville Longbottom took a seat beside her, and politely smothered her laughter in her napkin when Edgo mouthed _‘I love your Longbottom’_ to her.

* * *

 

 

                                                                                      

 

* * *

 

“Miss Simpson,” Uttered Minerva McGonagall as she swept from her office and into the Gryffindor common room. “I need you to fetch Oliver Wood from his potions class, if you would?”

“Oh, what’s happened?” Jade inquired, knowing full well that she needed to collect him because of Harry’s eventful flying lesson.

“Mr Potter, apart from deliberately ignoring Madam Hooch’s orders and being goaded by Draco Malfoy, may have just confirmed himself to be our new seeker!”

Jade smiled coyly, and rose from where she was seated on the sofa adjacent to the fire.

“Oh, and Miss Simpson?”

“Yes, Professor?”

“Take Miss Edge with you- she looks far too happy where she is…” The said _Miss Edge_ was currently rolling around on the Gryffindor common room’s rug in her animagus form, enjoying the parchment fortress she’d constructed around herself, and was currently ignorant to their conversation. The papers were just too fun.

 

* * *

 

“I can’t do this. Jade I’m going _to burst_!”

“Honestly, just knock and I’ll do the talking…”

“ _But! But it’s_ -“

A cough sounded in front of the two squabbling girls. It was Rachel, with her sullen mentor scowling over her shoulder from the front of his classroom.

“Is there something you need?” Rachel said, trying not to flinch from the virtual daggers Snape was shooting in their direction.

“We need to collect… uh…” Jade said unsurely, casting glances at the irritated professor, and his fifth year class, who were now very interested in the spectacle they were creating.

“Cease your stuttering Miss Simpson. What is it that you need? Take it and be gone, you’ve already occupied far too much teaching time as it is,” Snape spat from the front of his classroom.

“We- we, err… WE NEED _WOOD_!”

Edgo, who had been trying her best to contain her laughter, now began to howl.

 

* * *

Come October 19th, the first years were getting along swimmingly, all except Hermione, who- as expected, had trouble settling down with her housemates. The trio took it upon themselves to keep her occupied until Halloween, when the canon would kick in and she would be cornered in the girl’s toilets with a troll.

“You’ve fought _a dragon_!” Hermione’s exclamation drew the attention of the first years in the Gryffindor common room, including Ron and Harry.

“Yes, bloody awful he was too,” Said Jade, shuddering again at the memories she’d buried away for nearly two years now.

“Mm,” Rachel confirmed, “About as large as a third of the castle here, with claws like meat hooks. Think _furnace_ : with _wings…_ ”

“Nearly got caught by the fire too,” said Edgo. “Glad I didn’t though; flash of light, searing pain, and-“

“- _Poof!_ You’re nothing more than a pile of ash!” Jade interjected.

The first years who were now listening to the conversation had expressions ranging from awe-inspired to repulsion. Poor little Neville Longbottom was looking a little green, actually.

“’Ol Smaugy…” Jade sighed wistfully, “Was vanquished by a good friend of ours, Bard.”

“We shall never forget his Majestic Velvet.”  Said Edgo, joining Jade in her reverie until a crucial fact popped into her head: “What date is it?!”

“October 19th,” replied Hermione, brow scrunched up at Edgo’s sudden panic.

“I can’t believe we nearly missed it!”

“Missed what?” asked Rachel.

“Durin’s day!”

The trio gasped, and scattered into action:

“I’ll get the candles and the glasses,” offered Rachel.

“And I will gather the fire whisky!” said Jade.

They dispersed, leaving Edgo with a crowd of confused first years in their wake.

“What is Durin’s day?” inquired Hermione.

“Durin’s day is the New Year for the Dwarfish calendar, but it also holds a sentimental aspect to us too. It was the day the company finally got access into Erebor; the day when the instructions left to Thorin would make the most sense. We had to make the journey to the mountain by then, or our efforts would have gone to waste. We almost didn’t make it, but thanks to Bilbo- who solved the riddle, such a thing didn’t happen. Hence also why we were chased by Smaug around Laketown. Our arrival flushed him out of the treasure chamber…”

“Why are you celebrating it then?” asked Seamus Finnegan, “You lot ‘aint dwarves.”

“We are celebrating Durin’s day in their memory. Shortly after the escapade with Smaug, there was the battle of the five armies. Thorin, and his nephews, Fili and Kili, were lost in the fighting. We were forced by circumstances thrust upon us at the time to vacate and arrive here, leaving eleven dwarfish comrades, our friend Tidd, one hobbit and a Maiar to defeat the enemy. We have not seen them since.”

“But _why_?”

“Because it hurts. Because we are never going to see them ever again. Whatever it was that pulled us from the battle, it was out of our control and took us from one world to another. Middle earth is so very different from magical Britain.”

When Rachel and Jade returned, the first years watched on as they lit fifteen candles; one for each member of the original company and levitated them in the air. They then each poured a shot glass of fire whiskey for themselves, and an extra one of Tidd.

“Cheers” said Edgo, clinking glasses with them.

They threw the bitter liquor back, and then began to hum.

“ _Far over, the misty mountains cold…”_

 

* * *

_**“Trooool! In the dungeon!! … Just thought you should know…”** _

Edgo jabbed Quirrel in the ribs with the tip of her boots, looked at Jade and Rachel, and then rolled her eyes. The three felt a foreign tingling rush through them, which they now recognised from when they had been ripped away from Middle Earth. It wouldn't be long before they world-hopped again. Now all they had to do was wait until the end of the year.

* * *

 

When the Golden Trio emerged from where the Philosopher’s stone had been hidden, Edgo, Jade and Rachel were there, ready to apprehend them.

“Well done you three,” Said Rachel, with a fond note in her voice.

“You do realise despite the great achievement you’ve made, Rachel, McGonagall’s going to bollock you all, right?” alleged Edgo, and the Golden trio flinched at the lecture they were most certainly going to receive. “No matter though, well done again.”

“Why do you all look so sad?” Hermione wondered.

“We’ve been in this world for nearly three years now,” Explained Jade. “Waiting for something like this to happen.”

“In Middle Earth, it was the desolation of Smaug and winning the battle that forced us into this world. You defeating Voldemort and destroying the stone is the catalyst in this one,” continued Edgo.

“We don’t have much time left here,” Rachel explained solemnly.

“Tell your mother and your family thank you, Ron. For everything,” Implored Edgo.

“Keep doing as you have been the three of you. Your friendship is everything to this world. Keep fighting for the light, no matter how dark the world becomes,” pleaded Jade.

The Golden trio watched the three older girl’s opaque forms slowly fade.

They were gone, and in their place stood a livid Professor McGonagall.

 

* * *

**_Back with Jade and Edgo..._   
**

"Was that too cliche of and ending?" Edgo asked as Jade scanned over the last few lines of 'Harry Potter and the Three Observers'.

"Nah," Jade smiled. "I don't think they'll notice around all of the Mary Sue stuff."

 


	5. An Interlude and Homesickness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out as a 'North & South' (BBC, 2004) SI I was working on ages ago, and quickly morphed into another story for ONSH. Edgo's potty-mouth strikes again.   
> Their world-hopping adventure has finally come to an end!  
> Or has it?

* * *

**An Interlude and Homesickness**

* * *

 

If someone were to tell him that his day was about to become even more tedious, John Thornton would have most likely stuffed them so full to the brim with cotton fibres that not even the harsh, hacking coughs of brown lung could shift the stuff from their insides.

It began with news of an imminent strike from his workers, progressed to an errand set by his Landlord to see that the aforementioned Landlord’s closest friend and his family were situated comfortably in a low-rent home, and then reached a screeching crescendo when he became _oh-so_ pleasantly acquainted with a Miss Margret Hale. The infuriating woman had left him in such a deep fit of frustration, that when an officer came knocking asking for his help and opinion as a magistrate he nearly cleaved the man in two with his vicious glare and lashing, acrid tone.

The officer had chanced upon a young woman, apparently; who now set in a cell for perverting the customs of polite society and behaving as though she were begging to be shipped off instantaneously to the closest asylum.

As he neared where she was being held, he scrubbed a hand down his face, restraining the urge to groan. Perhaps he had brought this upon himself after he concluded the day could no longer get worse after his meeting with the Hales; and now he should be the one slowly chewing on cotton fibres? Whatever was the cause for this annoying hex on his life surely could be placed to one side after his meeting with this one lunatic. It should be easily dealt with- he would assess her critical faculties, find her absolutely stark-raving ludicrous and be back to the mill before he knew it.

While he was pondering how such inconveniences had stained his day, the officer that came to him for assistance was rattling off all he had gathered about his recent catch:

“-I found ‘er on the street I did. Bold as brass! Wearing the guise of a man would ‘ye believe?” the officer’s face was now a ruddy shade of pink.

“Indeed?” John replied coolly, raising his brows.

“Aye! I asked ‘er what she thought she ‘wer doin’ and she says: _‘I don’t know… I don’t quite believe I know where I am anymore…’_ like she’d just dropped outt’a sky. Thing is sir, she does’na quite act like a nutter, ‘part from her dress n’all, ‘n I wanted your opinion before we prosecute ‘er.”

They walk down a narrow corridor towards the bars of a holding cell, “’Ere we are, sir.”

The officer moved to unlock the cell, but John stays his hand.

“I will not go in. This should be fairly simple to resolve.” The officer agrees, but reluctantly slides the ring of keys back onto an attachment on his belt.

“I’ll ‘jus be down ‘ere, sir, if ‘ye need me at all.”

John waves a hand dismissively, and looks inwardly through the cell bars as the other man leaves.

“BOMBARDA!” A dry and raspy female voice cries expectantly. A sigh rattles along the corridor, signifying that whatever the person wanted to happen did not occur.

There is a shape, resting against the crags of the cold stone corner in the shadows. Trouser clad but decidedly feminine. They tuck something long and thin up their sleeve.

“Come into the light.” He says harshly to the figure. It complies.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” The voice is soft and broken, as though it has been worn from talking too much and can no longer voice its opinions with vigour. “Much improved from Officer Plod over there at least, though I can’t fully make out your face.”

John grits his teeth, “Let’s get this over with quickly, shall we? Why are you wearing male clothing?”

“Because it’s normal to do so?” There is a frown situated on their face. The frown is present in the intonation of this voice, soft and broken as it is- he can tell, even though they have stepped forward from their sequestered corner their features are still shaded. It is the toes of their boots and the closely wrapped calves that catch the light.

“What area have you grown up in to be allowed out in such fashion?” He retorts, shocked at her nonchalant rejoinder. Perchance she grew up a nomad; some sad and lonely gypsy cast-off that made do with the hand-me-downs of men rather than the frivolous and jealously guarded garbs of women.

“Why don’t you rephrase that question there to: ‘What era’ rather than ‘area’…” The shadowed figure shrugs and takes a step closer to the bars of their cell.

John pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs deeply; perhaps this won’t be as simple as he first thought.

“Step into the light. I need to assess you.”

“You step back then; I need to see what I’m stepping forward for.”

He resisted the urge to snarl and rattle the bars of her cell in his fists. “Must you behave in such a churlish manner?”

“I don’t know, but I think it was a pretty fair trade. You can see me if I can see you,” She replied lightly. He could see her shoulders lift in a shrug, reminding him of his original purpose- she behaved in a manner so different to the ladies in society today; something that bemused him and yet made him even more inquisitive.

“Fine.” He took a step back, and she, one forward.

With the meagre light from the lamp in the walkway illuminating the barest contours of both of their features, he saw her eyes widen: “Fucking hell…” She whispered.

John had been entirely wrong. His day was about to get a lot worse.

 

* * *

Rachel had been sitting here for quite some time now, with an untouched, cooling cup of tea and a plate of biscuits on the table before her that Mrs. Hudson had placed there roughly half an hour ago.

How she came to be sat there was again even stranger; she had left the hallway in Hogwarts, presuming that she would be returned home with Edgo and Jade, but there had been no such luck.

She had found herself standing beside a skip, in the darkened lull of evening, and had absolutely no idea where she was. Then a man burst out of the pile of rubbish inside it, brandishing a small pink suitcase (as though it were Simba) in triumph above his head before fiddling with the safety lock to rummage through the case’s contents.

She couldn’t help it. She squealed.

It was all a whirlwind; typically, when a strange male dragging a pink suitcase grabs your wrist and frog-marches you back to his home you’d normally fight back tooth and nail, and run through your list of escape options before you were most probably violently assaulted, or worse.

But this wasn’t just any man: this was Sherlock Holmes, and said Sherlock Holmes was staring directly at her across the table in his very own chair, hands making a steeple before his face. The suitcase was now left forgotten on the floor for the moment.

Rachel didn’t know what to think, except that it wouldn’t be prudent if she cried like she did when she got to Diagon Alley.

“ _Don’t_ cry.” The great detective now had his eyes narrowed at her.

  _How did he-?_

“How did I know that you were about to cry? Oh, it was very simple. Your facial expression read like a book, you’re also wringing your hands together- you feel anxious, extremely so, and intense emotions lead to a response from the tear ducts- hence crying,” He said matter-of-factly.

“What planet did they kick you off of?” Rachel said, her nose scrunched.

“I was not kicked off of a planet. I believe that copulation after marriage is the correct way to produce offspring, though my parents may have mistakenly created Mycroft in an unfortunate chemistry experiment. However, that is not the point, what I need now however is-“

Without a further word, the great detective, Sherlock Holmes threw on his infamous coat, dramatically flipped the collar, and strode from the room.

* * *

 

“Aw shit, once was enough!” Jade shout-whispered, trying not to move a muscle as another potentially- no, not potentially, _definitely_ life-threatening dragon settled itself on the ground before her.

One minute, she was running away from a fire drake in Laketown, after months of travelling with the Company of Thorin Oakenshield. The next, she was in Diagon Alley, living with the Weasley’s, and apprenticing under Minerva Rachelonagall.

All of this world-hopping was tiring.

She mentally calculated the time that she, Rachel and Edgo had been missing; and it was a shock to her that over four years had passed. Four years away from home, from those she loved- hell, from _normality._

What she wouldn’t give for a little bit of peace and quiet for once.

Drogon, stared back at the girl who even after three years in the Potterverse still smelt like the cinders of Smaug’s fire. She was dithering on the spot, and he could tell from the sound of her pulse and the fear that rolled off of her like the tide lapping the shoreline, that she was afraid of him. He wasn’t an incompetent dragon, after all. His mother taught he and his siblings well.

Drogon has deposited his mother earlier in his painful stupor, and flew off to find the source of the dragon-scent; disbelievingly, he’d found another two-legs. He wondered if she was like his own mother, or a dragon in disguise. A growl rose in his throat.

_“Nice dragon?”_

* * *

 

“Why must you torment me so, Richard?” The girl- no, _woman_ , John corrected in his head, cried to the ceiling of her cell, as though chastising a higher power. “What do you gain from this?! First it was Guy, then John, Harry, Thorin- WHY?”

“Madam, please contain yourself-“

**_"WHY?!”_ **

 “-and who is ‘Richard’?”

There was a beat of silence.

“You, _you utter twat!”_

* * *

 

Rachel, still looking at that her freezing cold cup of tea Mrs Hudson had given her; both the tea cup and the biscuits were undisturbed on the tray left on the coffee table.

Rachel was sat in the middle of a drugs bust, and dared not to move.

* * *

Jade was currently trying not to pet the partially volatile creature mooning over his wounds before her, lest she burnt to a crisp for even trying.

* * *

Edgo was having an existential crisis- in which she was being haunted by the same man in different guises, which threatened to stop her heart from beating in her chest from the heartache. She was still obscenely shouting at the ceiling of her prison cell, and cursing her newfound lack of magic after relying on it for so many years, because everywhere she looked, she could see _his_ face. The latter of which, threatened to tear her heart into irreproachable pieces, which no manner of sorting could be placed back correctly in the same position.

* * *

  _I want to go home,_ the trio thought respectively, unknowingly mirroring the ideas of their friends.

* * *

 

 They came too in a field, surrounded by a herd of cows.

One of the bovines leant to lick the cheek of one of the girls:

“Mm, Richard- stop! It tickles- _stop_!”

Jade and Rachel, who had woken more promptly than their friend, rose their eyebrows at one another. Rachel wiggled hers, to which Jade replied with an eye-roll and kicked the dozing Edgo on the thigh. The latter woke with a start, quickly realised she was back where their unexpected journey had begun so many years ago, and that her car had gone missing.

"I bloody well hope Tidd drove it home!" She raged, dizzily getting to her feet.

“’Ere ‘wat are you lot doin’ in my field?”

Still flanked by the cows, the trio turn to find an irritated farmer sat astride a quad bike. 

“Uh…” Rachel began eloquently. “May we use your phone?”

 


	6. The day when the Impossible Happened: Out of the Frying Pan, and into the Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Comic Con. Made all the better with Orcs running around it. Three ONSH member's first experiences of Comic Con, only in this story it's gone awry. The worst that happened in RL was that Edgo's wig wouldn't stay straight. This was also written before we finalised the costumes.

* * *

**The day when the Impossible Happened: _Out of the Frying Pan, and into the Fire_**

* * *

 

****

Edgo was sat rather morosely behind the steering wheel of her car.

Court lolled on the backseat; her fingertip skimming the screen of her phone so quickly, one couldn’t be sure it had moved at all in the first place.

They were both waiting on Jade, having pulled up outside the former’s house in wait for about five minutes now. The Targaryen cosplayer was rushing back and to in her living room, making sure that she had everything in her bag ready for another adventure; this time, of the Comic Con variety.

“Sorry about that,” Jade told the pair as she slid into the passenger seat, a hand atop her blonde wig to hold it in place. She’d been running slightly behind, and had yet to secure the fake tresses with hidden grips.

“It’s no problem,” Edgo replied with a genial smile.

Court grunted from the back.

Checking her mirrors before signalling to pull away from the curb, Edgo directed their car to the main road. The trio then drove in silence, though just before Edgo joined the motorway’s traffic, Jade slapped her hand on the dashboard:

“Why are you so depressive today?!” She yelped to her driving friend, who had swerved severely on and off of the hard shoulder in her shock.

“Why are you scaring the crap out of me while I’m driving?!”

  “Jade has a point y’know. You’ve been sad since you picked me up, and I bet before then too,” Court added.

Steadying her hands by wrapping them tighter around the steering wheel, Edgo looked bitterly at the sprawling motorway before her. She sighed, feeling her friends eying her, awaiting an explanation.

“It’s just…” She began, “It’s just that the last time I drove a group of us somewhere, we… I…”

“What is she talking about Jade? I mean, I heard you went Cosplay-Camping, but what happened to break my friend?” Court peered over her smartphone, locating said girls eyes in the central mirror; she watched as the contact-covered eyes softened in realisation.

“Oh, Edgo,” Jade said softly, not knowing what to do to comfort her friend.

“Seriously, can someone explain?” Court inquired.

Edgo smiled bitterly. Putting her foot down on the accelerator and shifting into a higher gear, she let the car amble on at a decent speed. The explanation would take a while after all, but she still had a destination to arrive at. “Contrary to popular belief, it did not start in a hole in the ground. But in a tent, in a farmer’s field.”

Jade smirked; “In a tent, in a farmer’s field, lay four incredibly scared Sixth Formers…”

* * *

 

Edgo had been right, the explanation had taken a while, with only a good twenty-five minutes left of driving before she’d have to search to find somewhere to park her car.

“Have you even considered that you might have inhaled something? Like mushrooms- or that gas tank you’d took with you for the camping stove- or-“

“We’re fairly certain we weren’t high, Court,” Jade assured with a roll of her (fake) violet eyes, “How many people can claim they’ve still got slight burns from dragon fire on their back?”

“Yours still hurt too?” Edgo said, surprised. They’d discovered not long after being ~~captured~~ taken in by the Weasley family that their clothing was less intact than first thought, and Smaug’s ire at the ‘#Majestic Velvet’ slight had been more damaging to their skin. Though the blistering had been minimal, and the pain easily quelled by the healers at St Mungo’s, the marks inflicted by dragon fire remained. It was fortunate that both girls were not burnt severely, like King Thranduil who had battled the fire drakes of the North in his youth, for despite discovering a penchant for magic in the Potterverse they could not cast a viable glamour unlike the Elvenking. Their powers had abandoned them as they hopped worlds, though it had been nice for a while.

“Mm, they’re still bright red too. Mum freaked when she saw my back once, I said I got it earlier on in the week from leaning against the oven.”

Edgo raised her eyebrows, “Did she believe it?”

“Not one bit, so I make sure to keep it hidden now.”

Court made a noise of frustration, and both of the conversing girls made an effort to check on their techy-friend:

“I don’t understand how you can think this is real! From the sounds of it, Edgo fell in love with a dead fictional character she met when she was high!”

“Believe what you want, Court,” Edgo murmured simply, before whacking a 'KPop Mix' CD into the car's stereo and turning the volume up to full blast.

 

* * *

 

The trio released a unanimous sigh of release after finally being able to locate a parking space. 

“I can’t believe you nearly ran John Snow over,” Jade tutted to her friend.

“I didn’t do anything wrong, I’d checked all of my mirrors and blind spots, I hadn’t done anything illegal, and there was no need for him to start cussing me out in Valyrian…”

Court snorted; “Yeah, but was it necessary for you to roll the window down and shout _‘You know nothing John Snow!’_?”

“Definitely necessary.”

 

* * *

 

It had taken them a little longer to vacate the car, Edgo having to place the white-coloured contacts she’d bought to compliment the costume she was wearing in her eyes after she’d finished driving. She then took a further quarter of an hour to apply her makeup for the day.

The trio had walked to the venue of the event, and were currently waiting in the advanced entry cue behind a large group of short, bearded, Dwarven cosplayers.

“I wasn’t expecting to see so many Tolkien nerds dressed up here,” Jade said, sneaking a worried glance at Edgo to see how the young woman was coping. It was evident that after the figurative years she’d spent mourning over Thorin’s loss, only to return back to their world with the lost years of her life removed, that she would never move on.

“Neither was I,” the focus of Jade’s worry replied, her white Hyuga contacts masking the emotion in her eyes, though the deep furrow between her brows and the distinct downward twist of her lips proved her discomfort.

“It’s been over a year since the last Hobbit film was released, I thought that most people would have moved on to a different fandom. I obviously thought wrong,” Court shared with them.

“Remind me how many years has it been since 'Vampire Knight' was last released and the manga concluded?”

“Touché.”

“You don’t just walk away from Tolkien, especially ‘The Lord of the Rings’ or ‘The Hobbit’. It simply isn’t done,” Edgo lectured.

Court rose a sceptical brow, “I think you’ve got a problem.”

The murmuring arose from in front of the trio, as the cue was about to move forward slightly, however:

“Excuse me, lassies, but did you say ‘Hobbit’, as we’ve seemed t’ have lost ours…”

 Jade and Edgo looked down in shock-

 _“Balin?”_ They cried in accord.

“Do I know ye’ lassies?” The bearded Dwarf asked the pair, his bushy white eyebrows raising.

Edgo looked to Jade; “Definitely Balin, but not the Balin we know-“

“Yep, otherwise he would have recognised two of us tent-girls-“

“Exactly, which means that this is either pre-tent-catastrophe or the quest has re-set itself”

“Which begs the question-“

The pair took a deep breath; “How did they get here?!”

Court had shuffled closer to Balin during the time the other girls had begun their reasoning, clutching her smartphone close to her chest. The elderly Dwarf looked to the thin girl in a- to he and the Company’s shock, rather short navy blue skirt, “Are they always like this, lassie?”

“I don’t really know anymore, I’ve not seen them for a while, so I can’t say if that’s normal behaviour for them or not,” Court replied, clutching her smartphone to her chest tighter.

Having overheard this, the Company stood behind the conversing pair begin to mutter and shuffle their feet. They no longer knew where they were, the terrain was foreign; everything was well developed, and tall- the thirteen Dwarves were overwhelmed. Structures were made out of stone, metal, and glass, the roads teemed with people. Before they knew it Bilbo had gone missing, and they had been swept away into a crowd of brightly dressed strangers.

“Jade,” Edgo called to her friend stiffly, “I’ve just realised that I might have a mental breakdown.”

“What would be the cause that?”

“A dwarf king.”

“Sacred blue…”

“…”

* * *

 

 

Thorin Oakenshield was not impressed. He’d faced the accusative stares of his Company when they emerged into an unknown land- it would be the Dwarf King in exile’s fault if they’d gotten lost, of course. Then they had lost the Hobbit in the veritable sea of people, and stumbled upon three scandalously dressed women.

One of them wore some sort of dress and cape, her hair was blonde and her eyes were violet. A large claw was affixed to a chain around her neck, and she carried a large, scaly burnt-red egg under her arm. Thorin couldn’t distinguish what species would ever lay an egg so unappealing and defensive. It was lucky that he had not been indulged in the way of _Game of Thrones_ , otherwise Jade, the mother of dragons (for this weekend only) would have found her papier-mâché construct smashed on the pavement.

Another wore a short kilt-like piece of material around her waist, showing off far more leg than the Dwarves found appropriate. The top half of her body however, remained clad in the same coloured material as the skirt. She carried a long silver baton that looked like it would break before it could do any real damage.

The final girl was dressed differently to her companions. Her clothing covered the majority of her body. Her calves were bare, and her shoes didn’t cover her toes; he’d seen the appendages wiggling around on the black sole of the sandals she wore, when she was rapidly talking; she was nervous. The girl, who had confirmed with her companion that they were definitely the Company of Throin Oakenshield- _how did they know of them?,_ had long dark blue hair, and _white_ eyes _._ Thorin tried his best not to make contact with them, as the sight was unnerving.

“We’d like to explain something, however, you are in the wrong cue and have no way of getting into the venue behind us without payment,” The blue haired girl- Edgo, supplied, “Quickly go and join the line next to us, it’s moving quicker.”

The company did just so.

“How are they going to pay for tickets?” The girl in the short skirt asked.

Edgo bit her lip, and her hand flew to a pouch attached to the leg of her trousers. She removed something, and placed it in Balin’s palm. “This is a credit card. When you get to the front of the cue, someone will ask you how many tickets you’d like; ask for thirteen, then extend out the card. Ask them if they can help you with it, since you’re using a new card. I’ll give you my PIN number now; which of you is the best at remembering numbers?”

“Edgo that was the money for-“ Jade began.

“I’ve got more than enough cash on me and my other card. That was mainly for emergencies, and well, we’re in a bit of a situation no?” She smiled thinly, “Did you get all of that Balin?”

Said Dwarf nodded, wrapping his hand tighter around the strange little rectangle the girl had placed in his hand. “Gloin is the most competent with his coin.”

“Good,” Edgo hummed, “We’ll see you inside, and hopefully then we can explain everything and help you find your Hobbit.”

 

* * *

 

 With the help of the girl’s advanced entry passes, they slipped past the amassing crowds outside.

“What did you give him your card for? That could have been anyone-“ Court scolded her friend.

“It’s not just anyone, it’s _Balin_. He’s the best when it comes to diplomacy and responsibility.” Edgo looked over her shoulder at Jade, “Did you see Gloin perk up when I mentioned the card would transfer money? There’s no way that it’s going to go missing; I’ll most likely have to fend off questions of why a tiny piece of plastic constitutes for gold.”

The trio stopped just short of the start of a sprawling merchandise marketplace and each sucked in a breath at the sight of so many goodies for sale.

“Excuse me,” a small voice interjected, “But did you mention Balin and Gloin?”

 Edgo, Jade and Court spun round.

Before them stood Bilbo Baggins… and three Elves.

“How did you even get in here!” Court exclaimed.

Thranduil just smirked and flicked a long strand of platinum blonde hair over his robed shoulder in reply.

 

* * *

 

“Jade, I know that in this situation it may be difficult for you to do as I ask, but _please_ for the love of Eru will you let go of Thranduil’s legs and _calm the fuck down?”_ Edgo growled, hands grasping the hem of Jade’s cosplay cloak as she tried to pull her friend off of a rather irate Elvenking.

“But Edgo, I thought I never see Thrandy again-“

“But nothing-“

Court hid her face in her hands and took a deep breath. So far it seemed that going to Comic Con was a very, very, bad move. _Mopey chauffeur?_ She’d put up with Edgo driving. _Presumed-dead Dwarvern maybe-lover popping up out of nowhere?_ Apparently Thorin Oakenshield and his Company were unscathed and didn’t remember the two nutters Court call her friends. Who knew?

Now there were Elves.

_Elves._

Actually, the younger blonde one wasn’t too bad looking. Too bad all he would stare at is the redhead Elf-lady next to him.

As if this situation couldn’t get any more embarrassing, Jade had latched onto the gorgeous blonde’s daddy with no intention of letting go; Bilbo Baggins would cop an eyeful if Court didn’t hold down her skirt; plus the Dwarves had finally payed for tickets.

_Wait Dwarves-_

 

* * *

 

 

_“Thranduil.”_

_“Thorin.”_

The two glared at one another.

Court made an undistinguishable noise, one that was neither a sigh nor scream: _“Can you two_ _stop bloody posturing-“_

While Court began her rant, many of the surrounding company and the Comic Con spectators that had been watching on amusedly for some time now, took quite a few steps back. The Vampire Knight cosplayer was now brandishing her homemade weapon-prop, and to their knowledge, it was a real and deadly armament- not something that had been cobbled together out of thin cardboard tubes, gum tape, and spray painted silver.

Balin and Gloin were having an in-depth discussion about the use of credit cards as currency, and how the process worked (Edgo tried her best to describe it, but as the explanation grew more complicated and the questions from the two curious Dwarves more complex, she wondered why she’d even bothered…), and Jade was quizzing a flustered Bilbo (he had been flashed by Court after all that effort to hold her skirt down):

“Have you visited the Elves before Mr Baggins?” She asked.

“Oh yes, in fact, before we came here and escaped the Goblin tunnels, we had taken respite in Rivendell,” the Hobbit replied dreamily. It had been one thing after another when they had left the safety of the hidden valley; the thunder battle, goblins, Gollum. Bilbo shuddered; how he wished he could have spent longer in Rivendell’s cosy halls.

“That sounds lovely, however… _Edgo!_ We have a problem!”

Edgo’s head snapped up in attention from where she was still immersed in conversation with Balin and Gloin; “Yes?”

“They’ve only just escaped the Goblin tunnels.”

“Shit, do you think-“ Edgo’s unnerving contact covered eyes masked the worry she felt, but the unhappy tilt of her lips posed what she was thinking to Jade.

“I don’t just think, I _believe_ ,” Jade told her firmly.

“Then that means we’ve got more company than we thought.”

“ _-as if my day couldn’t get any worse,”_ Court’s anger had reached its limit, and now she was in full rage towards the Elvenking and the Dwarf-king in exile, “ _There’s you two having a pissing contest right in front of me-“_

Court glanced down from the chastised monarchs, feeling a sharp pulse of pain from her abdomen.

Where there shouldn’t have been, and _hadn’t_ been before, an arrow shaft now protruded.

“ _Oh..._ ” Court breathed gently.

“Orcs!” Edgo and Jade screamed.

 

* * *

 

After that, things started to blur. Court had been swept up by Tauriel; the elleth promising to remove the arrow and heal the wound. Dori, Ori and Bilbo had followed her, as she would need someone to hold down the girl when she removed the arrow shaft, and also to restrain her if it had been poisoned. She could not heal Court and dodge flailing, pain-wrenched limbs. Bilbo had small nimble hands, so he would be most likely her helper in attending to the girl.

Other Comic Con goers had scattered, knowing that this was not a falsification they fled, leaving the venue eerily quiet. Even staff members and stall holders deserted their duties.

The Dwarves that remained, plus Thranduil and Legolas, had each bristled at the scuffling sounds of Warg claws and the vile dialogue of the Orcs as they raided the stands.

“Y’know, all those years ago I mentioned that these kinds of things don’t happen to us?”

“Yeah?” Jade replied to an oddly calm sounding Edgo.

“I was wrong, they always happen to us; and I thought after a year or so of normality that would be it. I’m about to rip my wig off in frustration I’m so angry.”

Kili made a choke sound: “Wig?”

“Do you think my hair is naturally this colour?” Edgo pointed to the dark blue tresses before pulling both the wig and wig cap from her head. She shook out her unbound hair and frowned. “How are you contacts feeling Jade?”

Jade squinted slightly, not feeling any discomfort with said contacts in like she usually did. At least that meant she didn’t have to walk around in her glasses. “Not too bad actually, yours?”

“I can’t see for shit,” Edgo replied almost cheerfully, and after fishing the container out of her leg pouch she quickly removed the white lenses. The Dwarves and the Elves threw her varying looks of horror as her fingers swiped closely by her eyeballs. “Ah, that is so much better… Now, where were we?”

“Orcs?” Bofur chirruped.

Jade quickly took the initiative: “Court’s down, Tauriel’s out of action healing her. Thranduil doesn’t have a weapon unless he uses his crown as some sort of death-Frisbee-“ Here Thranduil looked affronted and Thorin snickered, even if the two didn’t know what a ‘Frisbee’ was, “I only have this thing-“ she gestured to the fake dragon egg, “-and you’ve only got cardboard kunai…”

Edgo groaned, “Neither of which won’t do a lot of damage. Okay, who here still has a weapon?”

Thorin, Fili, Kili, Dwalin, Gloin and Legolas stepped forward. A few of the other Dwarves shuffled on their feet, and Jade overheard someone muttering about if a ladle truly constituted as a weapon:

“If you don’t feel like your ‘weapon’ will last on the offense, then could you stay behind and protect Court, Tauriel, Thranduil, and the others? They’re vulnerable and distracted by the healing process, and Thrandy doesn’t have a backup weapon.” The remaining Dwarves, Oin, Bofur, Balin, Bombur, Bifur and Nori all nodded and rushed off to find the other group, pulling a reluctant Thranduil along behind them.

Jade, following her friend’s earlier example, also slipped off her wig; “Won’t be needing that for a bit, eh?”

Edgo smirked in return, “This is Comic Con, so what does every nerd want?”

“’Free!! Iwatobi swim club’ Yaoi posters?”

“Nope, a veritable weapon. Pretty sure there’ll be someone selling katanas around here, and I don’t think they’ll mind all that badly if we borrow one.”

Jade grinned, and evil spark lighting in her eyes. She and Edgo began to jog.

“Where are you going?” Legolas called to them.

The pair stopped and dramatically looked over their shoulders at him; as they did, a breeze flew out of nowhere, ruffling their hair and costumes. They replied in unison:

_“To hunt some Orc!”_

 The Dwarves and Legolas dumbly watched them go, until Thorin growled:

“Do you think that two girls can take down an unknown number of Orcs and Wargs by themselves? Have we stooped so low to be bested by the fairer sex- those who we should protect and cherish?!“ (If either of the girls had heard this, they would have clouted him for sure), “We must take action _. Du bekar! Du bekar!”_

At that moment, the Dwarves cried out the chant and drew their weapons. A confused Legolas stood behind them, clutching his bow.

“What are ye’ waiting for, Elf?” Gloin rumbled to the Prince of Mirkwood, “Are ye’ with us?”

Legolas smiled serenely and drew and arrow from his quiver.

The Dwarves cheered again, and the hunt began.

 

* * *

 

 

An old enemy, a pale Orc astride a white Warg, heard the cheering.

A macabre grin stretched his scarred mouth.

 

* * *

 

 

Edgo and Jade had been making a lot of progress with their ‘borrowed’ katanas. With their few skills and a little bit of teamwork, several Orcs and two Wargs had been felled.

“I don’t understand what Orcs would want with plushie Hello Kitty’s!” Edgo yelled as she swung her blade out and nipped another Orc on its forearm. Taking advantage of how the Orc turned to snarl at her in pain and anger, Jade quickly lopped the Orc’s head off before replying.

“I don’t know, but they’re certainly not going to start collecting them.”

They paused to take a breath, when-

“Get down!” Edgo hissed, dive-bombing with her friend to the ground.

“What! What is it-“

_“It-“_

 

* * *

 

 _“It cannot be…”_ Thorin whispered.

He, his Company, and the Elf had followed the trail of corpses the girls had left behind until the trail ran cold. They had fanned out to try and locate them, and also dispatch remaining Orcs and Wargs, when an unpleasant reminder of the past- one thought long dead, had resurfaced.

“Azog,” the Dwarf-King in exile snarled.

The pale Orc smirked.

* * *

 “Shit son, it is about to go down,” Jade whistled lowly.

 _“Dee-oh-double-you-en, down!”_ Edgo nodded in agreement. “Stay here, I’m going to try and sneak behind Azog to the other side. If Thorin looks like he’s in any trouble at all, we step in yeah?”

“Agreed.”

Edgo rolled off of her stomach and hastily scrambled to her feet. Kicking off her flimsy ninja sandals, she began to sprint. She hoped that the carpeted floor would muffle her quick footsteps.

 

* * *

 

Thorin found himself soon overpowered by the pale Orc and the white Warg. It was a though Edgo and Jade (from adjacent sides of the isle) were watching the exact choreographed scene from ‘An Unexpected Journey’. Though it was painful to witness how easily Thorin had allowed his rage to cloud his judgement.

Jade caught Edgo’s eyes, and both girls steeled themselves.

Edgo moved first, as the white Warg was stalking closely to the food stall she was hid behind. She lashed out with her katana, and grimaced with how smoothly it cut through the Warg’s throat.

The beast fell instantly, and red pooled on the white fur and the grey carpet rapidly.

Azog snarled, his crudely made Orcish mace whistling round in an arc and hitting Edgo in the side. For a moment, she flew from the sheer force behind the attack, before colliding with a crunch into a wooden stall; katana landing beside her with a clanging bounce.

Jade launched her attack next, managing to stab through the pale Orc’s massive torso; which gave Edgo time to scramble to her feet and collect her blade.

The pair entered a tedious dance of attacking and retreating. As one girl moved on the offence, the other caused an injury to Azog while he was distracted. They both knew however that this dance could not go on, as their breaths now came in short shallow pants.

“Thorin!” Jade shouted, “Thorin, _get up!”_

Edgo parried another attack from Azog; “Get up and fight! Get up! Get up!” She screamed. The Dwarf groaned, and began to roll to his feet; feeling along the carpet with clumsy hands to locate Orcrist. Edgo glanced quickly to Jade; they would attempt another attack on Azog, and hopefully Thorin would assist them.

If not…

They had no time to think about failure; both girls readied themselves, swinging simultaneously at the pale Orc to distract him, as a third blade slipped past the former’s defences and decapitated his head from his shoulders.

 

* * *

 

By the time they had regrouped, Court had been patched up and was now fully conscious. She’d been left propped up against a stall selling manga, and had a volume of _Fairy Tail_ open on her lap that she had filched from a nearby manga stall. Court had thanked Tauriel profusely for tending to the arrow wound, which it turned out wasn’t poisoned at all, and for the Dwarves and Bilbo’s help. Thranduil, it seemed, had adopted his role as a protector too, and had stood guard over the injured girl with a cool glare on his face all the while.

Secretly, Jade wished that she had been the one he was watching over; though she wouldn’t wish an arrow to the abdomen on anyone, including herself. Dragon fire was enough to turn you away from injuries for life.

“Now that’s taken care of, I wonder how you all got here?” Jade said nonchalantly, as though she hadn’t just taken down a pack of Orcs and had a hand in defeating Azog the defiler.

All too conveniently, glowing golden light encapsulated the inhabitants of Middle Earth.

“Seriously?” Court snorted. “Are you sure we didn’t inhale something in your car Edgo- I’m seeing trippy golden light.”

“I thought the arrow wound would be proof enough that this is real, evidently I was wrong,” Edgo chimed. She stared as the glow intensified; “Why do I feel as though this is the end?”

“I don’t know,” Jade replied, “But I feel it too. It… I feel almost _empty_.”

“I feel a bit weird too,” Court confessed, holding a palm to her stomach where the cosplay costume had been hiked up in order to accommodate the linen bandages her torso was swathed in. “Like I’ll never be cheerful again.”

“That is _exactly_ it! And nice reference by the way,” Jade said with a wink.

Edgo had been very quiet for a while now; “Jade, I suggest you either grab a box or scale the nearest tall thing and do something you'll maybe-not regret the next morning-“

“Huh?”

 _“Thor-rin!”_ The Ninja cosplayer bellowed. The Dwarf in question, still slightly dazed from the wounds Azog had given him with the mace, turned sluggishly; just as a hands wrapped themselves into the fur of his coat and lips met his own. His eyes widened in shock as his sister-sons whistled and leered wolfishly. The girl released the hold on his coat and smiled impishly, before retreating to stand by her injured friend. "I'm going to hold onto that memory forever. Ha! Take _that_ Richard."

Court shook her head in mock-disbelief. "I can't believe you just did that."

"Why not?" Edgo retorted. "We're here at Comic Con to make memories after all, and that was certainly an experience I'll never forget. Plus he's hot. _Like a curry_ , hot."

Court nodded, as though this made an awful lot of sense.

The cries of the Elvenking _(“What do you want from me?!”)_ , whom was being chased by Jade carrying a set of stepladders she’d found from _somewhere (“Thranduil let me love you!”)_ as she swooped towards him like a woman possessed, melted away in a haze of bright gold. Jade chucked the ladders to the side in favour of watching the golden hues in the air disperse.

The Elves of Mirkwood and the Company of Thorin Oakenshield were gone.

“Could they not have turned down the glow slightly, I’ve got the biggest headache,” Court groaned. The slender fingers of her right left hand pinched the bridge of her nose. “Still, after all this and being shot, what else could possibly happen to make this day get even worse?”

 _“Freeze! Police! Place your weapons on the ground and slowly back away from them! Keep your hands where we can see them!”_ A crackly voice commanded through a megaphone.

“Thanks a lot, Court,” Edgo said sarcastically.

“Yeah, thank you for jinxing it,” Jade complained.

Court threw her hands in the air in protest, the motion tugging at the injury on her stomach and causing her to wince.


End file.
